I hope it's ok to do this but I copied part of another post I've written in here because I wanted to keep my thread going and this was what I wanted to say.
So.....I had a bit of a moment at my work and decided to take a few days off. Having a bit of time has helped me realise a few things:
1) Not attending f to f meetings has been the product of my ego making me feel like I'm too unique to go and ask for help. I was so relived last week to get supportive comments about not needing to go ( and I really appreciate the comments and the support!) but there was a niggling feeling that I'm full of ****. I'm still scared but I'm gonna give it a go.
2) Online isn't gonna work for me because a big part of my issues is things remaining hidden. Compartmenalising my addiction as separate from the 'real' me but that it just bare faced denial and I don't want to be in denial anymore. The biggest step I can take in my Step 1 work is seeing that for what it is and choosing for my choices to be based on what will help me progress in recovery, no support my self-deception. Plus, I need to meet some new, sober real-life people to talk too, in person!
I've had mental health issues and eating disorders that have also been part of that remaining hidden. I don't want to be hidden anymore.
I have also decided to reduce my work hours to support my recovery. Money is just money. I can't invest what I need to while I'm working so much and exhausted all the time. It has just felt like a catalogue of failure and I'm done with that. If it doesn't support my health then it's out. I'm done with being like this.
It's so difficult to face up to things and to face up to who I am and what I'm actually doing to myself. I still doesn't feel real. I was thinking it's like taking a break from myself but replacing me with the worst possible version of me. I think the only way to do this is just to forget about what anyone thinks and ask for what I need.
Bim - you said before that the only problem you had was between your ears and that always stuck with me. My only problem is how I think. If I can change that and my perspective, I can have the life I want have.
