Dear Cuckoo - You sound so disgusted & fed up. That's a good thing. Embrace it - maybe write down your thoughts so you won't forget how awful you're feeling. This is exactly how I felt before I quit for the last time. That was over 10 yrs. ago. I was finally convinced that I could never touch a drop - or embarrassing, unpredictable, even dangerous things would happen. Every time.
You can do it, Cuckoo - we all understand how you're feeling, & we're with you.