Ok....going to keep this thread going.
Thank you very much for all your support yesterday - It must be frustrating to say the same things again and again to people then watch them relapse. I am one of those people. I had a hard look at myself yesterday and didn't like what I saw. I saw someone who says they wants to be sober......but wants it to be easier and quickly achieved. Someone who still acts like a child in the face of difficult emotions and is quick to let myself off the hook with excuses to allow me to drink....because, really, I just want to keep on drinking. Just in a way where there are no negative consequences and every is happy. I think that defines what I'm experiencing right now. So I've decided the following:
1) What I am doing is not working and has only got me so far. If I can't stay sober then I need to try new things - so I've looked around and there is SMART recovery online and Refuge Recovery (unfortunately no meetings here) or AA (four meetings a week). I think I might need real, live people just now so AA may be the way to go. I think that I'll only know if I try.
2) I don't prioritise this. I just don't. I do bits and pieces but I don't make it my priority. I was thinking last week that I don't know how to.......but what a ridiculous and childish thing to tell myself. I think my AV is a spoiled child. I need a structure to my day that make recovery a priority and that means addressing my work life. I need to find a more manageable way to work and that might involve cutting down and saying no to far more than I do right now.
3) Another thing I have found really hard (my AV talking), is that I'm boring. My husband is drinking heavily and does almost everyone I know and to be honest they make me feel like a social outcast, despite the fact that I have said I have a problem with alcohol. I need to work on this and just get to a place where I don't care. What they are actually saying is that my drinking would make them feel better, despite the consequences for me.
3) Stress - a massive contributing factor. I know this. I have been doing meditation and massage but I need to exercise. I think that is really vital. Thank you for the stress recovery plan info Dee. I think this has to be a big part of what I need to include. Most other things I can handle but being really stressed for long periods of time gets me every time. It was about 3 weeks of feeling stressed out of my mind before I drank this time and I didn't do enough to deal with that in healthy ways. I just kept going to my bed.
4) GROW UP! Take responsibility for myself and for my actions.
Anyway......thank you for reading all this and for sticking with me. I know it can be done....I see people here who have the sober life they wanted.....and I know that can be me if I make it my priority.
I going to sign off with my real name now, as I think using Gabe helps me hide from this.....so hi! I'm Rachel and I'm a grateful member of the SR community.
Sorry this is so long!