lessgravity

Further I get from alcohol I see just how much I used my abuse as a means of avoidance. I've always known that I drank for the oblivion. But the sheer level of avoidance that I got from boozing is something I'm seeing clearly now.

Oblivion for me was always the goal. I would lying if I didn't admit that the sensations of drinking weren't pleasurable - I loved the sweet, numb, burning lift of it. But that was never enough of course - I sought total oblivion. Truth is I had that need/desire for oblivion from the very beginning of my relationship with alcohol. I remember drinking in HS and always wanting another where others had had enough. And, predictably, I went down the dark tunnel of addiction and sought that oblivion all the time - from any source I could - cheap bodega flavored-beers, high end wine, bottom shelf eastern european vodka. Craved that sweet oblivion and gave into my childish, desperate want.

Even more though I identify my pattern of avoidance as being exacerbated/aided/empowered through my boozing. Avoidance is a pattern many of us develop from a young age. It's a natural reaction to a world that is either overwhelming or empty. No matter the childhood we have, those two elements are often the first we experience - overwhelm or neglect. And, for many of us, avoidance is a technique that helps us survive those times. We learn to avoid to dodge pain, to endure anxiety, to overcome stress. But the pattern of avoidance can become too deeply ingrained. For me it certainly has.

Drinking helped me avoid. In obvious ways I avoided my feelings - anxiety, worry, stress - every night was instead spent drunk. Sure I would get the 3am panics, drenched in anxiety. And I would suffer incredibly physically. And I would have to deal with betraying my family and my professional relationships. But it would only be a matter of time before that dark room of oblivion welcomed me back and I would be able to avoid all of those unreasonable people and those silly feelings.

But I wasn't avoiding anything. I had an appointment, like it or not, on life's highway with my soul. And meeting me there would be all the things I neglected.

I'm suffering some of those neglected things now. Enduring some very difficult things that could not be avoided by hiding under the covers. I don't see that I have a choice however. Time has come. Chickens roosting and all that.