Finding the Authentic Self
Felt like writing, so here's a bit of a ramble. It's some reflections & ramblings and a bit of a mind dump after working through 2-3 days of rather intense anxiety. Fear about the future, uncertainty, etc. All the usual characters. Today I find myself empowered again. Feeling human, encouraged, and able to see things from a broader point of view than before. My ramble:
It's not the strong that survive or prosper. It's those that are most adaptable and persistent.
Every single time I have faced my demons and worked through the sometimes days of anxiety and bone numbing fear I experience as a result, I discover myself more secure and more comfortable with the authentic me on the other side.
It's incredibly difficult to see or care about all that when in the midst of the suck. In fact I am specifically working these days on maintaining my composure in the face of pain, anxiety and fear. I read something the other day that referred to keeping your vision no more than "200 feet in front of you" during the tough times. I like it. It works.
But, experience is proving to me that soldiering on and moving through the pain - if only a step at a time - is worth it. And, I think, a certain amount of chaos in life is good in that it challenges us to get past all the different shallow aspects of ourselves to eventually find that voice within that says, with a calming authority, "this is me. THIS is who I am."
I don't think it's for everyone. It could be. But there are no guarantees. It's not always safe or easy. The results don't always match expectation. Seldom do. Insert cliche here about not always getting what you want but getting what you need. But for me, finding that voice within. ..discovering empowerment in the midst of the struggle. Fundamentally cleaning up my side of the street bit by bit so that one of these days I can look myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see - it makes it all worth it. And it's already working.
It doesn't feel glamorous. Often courage doesn't feel like courage. A lot of times courage feels more like "just barely hanging on."
You have to ignore the cliches. Ignore the altruism. It's like you have to be willing to become an iconoclast against yourself, your old self.
It's forcing yourself to walk out the door and go to work when all you want to do is turn the lights off and try to sleep away the pain.
It's forcing yourself to some days going through the motions but hey you showed up. You were there. And now you can go home and feel good about being consistent instead of feeling like **** about not showing up.
It's clinging on to hope at times and telling yourself over and over 'this won't last' as you can literally feel the stress and cortisol coursing through your veins.
It's calling a friend and asking for help sometimes even though that voice in your mind has already told you a thousand different ways why you shouldn't.
It's being transparent and open about who you are despite wanting to hide from the world because in your mind your ego and pride makes you believe everyone outside will judge you, or already has.
It's having a vision or a target. It's about hitting base hits, not home runs. It's about using what you have around you, not all those things that voice tells you you don't have so you don't have a chance.
When we let that voice focus our attention on what we DON'T have, we don't have the capacity or the energy to look around at what we DO have. And it doesn't matter how little we have or where we start from. In fact, there are immense advantages to starting from seemingly nothing. Having everything, and certainly having too much, often complicates it.
Bit by bit, it can be built. A lot can be built from a little. It's not about speed or volume. It's about consistency. Every day. Doing what needs done. Bit by bit. Rest. Rinse and repeat. In time, you look back, and it's all there. And there you are.
Rant done. Thanks for letting me share.
B