Thank you all, there is truth in everything each one of you said and I appreciate the time you took to reach out to me. Tonight was a bit rough so I hopped on my bike on rode to my (sober) friend’s house for some ice tea and conversation. He was a major alcoholic for many years and has been sober for 8 years so we had a lot to talk about with the struggles and he also had good advice. He didn’t get sober through AA, I think just his of own volition after losing almost everything including his car for six months which he couldn’t find anywhere. Kinda funny but also sad. Drank on the job, lost jobs, roommates kicked him out, etc.
One day at a time is tried and true but for me today it really was one hour at a time. I will definitely do this 30 days and keep a journal about it and check in here. I really don’t feel like my intention at all is to celebrate it the end of it by drinking. It’s almost day 4 and my face looks better already! I’m tired and a bit down but that’s to be expected. Even my longtime friend said he never saw me so serious about something.
I truly appreciate having this place to go to. So many wise people with big hearts to spend their time helping others. I’m sure this place has changed a lot of lives. I know I’m scared but I also believe it when you say it that fear will start to dissipate with time. I’m angry at the life I wasted, I really am. I guess it takes hitting bottom to look back and finally realize just how much of your life was stolen by alcohol. Before that you just kind of don’t think about it or deny it or even convince yourself it’s been a good thing somehow. It got you through hard times. No it didn’t. It tricked you, it just created more hard times for you. It cost me my marriage, my house, a lot of money, the career I wanted, and got me a couple of neglectful alcoholic boyfriends and dead end jobs and a crappy living situation. Not to mention a lot of humiliating public displays over the years.
AV says “oh but remember that beautiful 4th of July party 3 years ago where you drank until 7 am with your boyfriend and everyone said how in love you were and it was the best time of your life and then he told you how much he loved you and you were grilling chicken wings outside and the sun was coming up and you were still doing shots and kissing and laughing, remember that great night?” Yes it was one of many beautiful memories. Funny how it tries to make me forget the times I cried endlessly because he abandoned me for weeks with no contact, or kicked me out of our hotel room or cancelled my flight when we were on vacation and left me stranded in the airport where I drank at the bar and cried to strangers and finally flew myself alone to Vegas just because I was drunk and why not and there I met another alcoholic and spent a year with him off and on with the same pattern. And now here I am again. No alcohol, you suck. You send me sick people and I’m too sick to see how sick they are because I’m sick too. Well I want to see clearly now. I want to know my worth and love myself. So I’m saying I want this liar and great deceived and destroyer out of my life. I’ll never know a healthy relationship until I do.