I have very much thought about the effects of this on my kids. They too are great kids and I’m very blessed, straight A students, very wise for their age, funny, but my 11 year old is really controlling of her surroundings and it concerns me that it’s my fault. That she feels it’s the only thing she can control. Luckily the worst of my drinking has been done when they’re with their dad on weekends or late at night when they’re asleep. But it doesn’t matter because I still live like and behave like an alcoholic and they sense I’m out of control even if they don’t see me drunk. It makes me very sad. Like someone else here said, I’ve tried to quit for them but that wasn’t even enough. My health scares weren’t even enough until finally this last time around when I went to the ER. My mom died a long slow death from dementia. She got it around she 54 and died at 64. I’m 44, no doubt I have damaged my brain. I never ever want to get Alzheimer’s or put my kids through that, it was utter hell on us all.
I read today that the damaged parts of your brain have a burst in cell regeneration one week after abstaining from alcohol and then another big burst of regeneration right before the end of the first month and then it just keeps healing and regenerating. That gave me a lot of encouragement. Yes my AV is trying to bargain but I’m only Day 3, won’t it lose power as each day goes by? It will never go away I know that, but it won’t be so strong. I’m definitely depressed right now, and scared as hell, but when I think about alcohol and what it REALLY does to us and not the lies, I’m grossed out.
I’m losing the “boyfriend”, I’ve already texted him about my ordeal and he really has no response. Just the typical “I can’t be confronted with emotions. I have two things right now, my job and the bar. I’ll be in the moment with you if you’re here but otherwise you don’t really exist and I don’t know how to care. But do you need some wine, a pizza?” It’s just incredible. He’s a gentle soul but so toxic to me. It hurt so much for my pain to be blown off like that. Hence the really strong desire to drink right now. But I’m going to sit here with this pain and not fight it. It’s all we can do.