Thank you, I read all your posts and they all resonated with me. I guess since it’s just day 3 I’m negotiating with myself, and I’ve been unhappy my whole life so maybe I’m afraid of what happiness might feel like or that I’ll find out I just can’t be happy and say **** it, I might as well drink again. I don’t know what I’m really feeling.
What do I hope to get out of drinking again if I do? I think maybe feeling comfortable in my own skin because I don’t know how to do that without alcohol. I picture myself having just a few, enough to loosen up and be relaxed and charming or whatever. But more times than not I went overboard and wasn’t very relaxed or charming. I just don’t know how to be me without it. It’s been part of who I am since I was about 25 and began drinking gin every night after work to escape my abusive boyfriend I lived with. Those first few drinks, that warm rush from my head to my toes, that sense that the booze was saying “he may be abusive but I’ll be here for you, every night after work” and ever since then i made it a big part of my life. I feel pretty empty right now. Yesterday I was on a high but now I just feel low. I’m grateful for SR. I have a feeling i will be utilizing all the great advice and support here often in my future. I sure hope so. My life isn’t working and it hasn’t for years. I know drinking has been a huge part of that.
Just now I had an impulse to go buy a little vodka. But thanks to this forum I think I’m just going to go buy a chocolate bar instead. Or a coke. Last night I bought a non alcohol beer. I’m eating and drinking a lot but I bet I’ll still lose weight. I was drinking easily 1000 calories a day in booze. My now EX will have to face seeing me healthy, trim and sober while he continues to hurt people and gain enormous weight and pass out in people’s yards, which he did so last month and the homeowner called the police. I don’t want to be like him, I want to be the opposite of him. And I’m scared if I can stay sober forever but I will try the one day at a time. My doctor warned me there may be setbacks but the important thing is I get back on track. Thank you.