Wow, I can relate to so much of your post, and I sincerely thank you for sharing it. I'm about the same age as you, with children of similar ages, and I do think there is something to being in our 40s, where alcohol finally catches up to us and becomes a liability much more than an asset. The very thing that used to help our anxiety and sadness now seems to cause it, or at the very least, make it much worse.
I've been sober 7 months, which is one of the longest alcohol-free periods in my life. Towards the end, my drinking followed very similar patterns to yours, including drinking, falling asleep, and waking up "sober." Reading here, I learned some scary things, including the fact that at some point, alcohol stops working to deliver a buzz (so we don't "feel" drunk) but our BAC may still be very high. Our hangovers actually become withdrawals. The idea that drinking is helping us to get through the day is just so utterly false, even though it
seems that it's not.
When I finally stopped drinking, I was just SO OVER IT, looking terrible, being exhausted, buying alcohol, switching stores, drinking and disposing of it in secret, hiding out, making excuses for why I never wanted to do anything...just DONE. And from reading your post, it sounds like you may be there too.
Can you make today your day 1? Join the July class, read everything here, drink lots of water, eat whatever you want in the early days. Sure, it's uncomfortable to stop drinking, but it is NOTHING like continuing like you are, trust me. You're not alone, we are here with you. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.
