Truthseeker11

I’m 44 with two children, the youngest is 11. I’m ashamed to admit they see their mother drunk probably a couple nights a week, my oldest is a teenager and she films me saying funny things or sometimes not so funny things then shows me the next day. I had her send one particularly bad episode to me because I thought every time I wanted a drink I would just watch it and say no, but so far I haven’t done that.
I’ve been an alcoholic for many years. It’s only gotten worse as it tends to do. I started a new job where I do grocery shopping for people and deliver to them. After a few weeks the job was giving me some anxiety. Big orders would make me feel panicky so I quickly learned to drink a strong beer in the parking lot before going into the store. This progressed to sometimes drinking one before every order. Sometimes in the morning. I never thought I’d be a morning drinker but here I am. I would have looked down on people and thought it digusting but now I’m that person. The amount I drink is pretty staggering. I wish I could say 5 drinks a day but I know it’s more like 10. And that’s every day. I had to go to court today for a speeding ticket I was going to fight (I lost) and I had a nervous breakdown when it was my turn to go before the judge. I guarantee you it was alcohol related. I’d drank a few strong drinks that morning then went back to sleep before I dragged myself to court a few hours later. I’m sure I was dehydrated and alcohol only makes my anxiety worse. It used to be that I could drink and it would help the anxiety but I’ve noticed it isn’t even helping much for that now.

I don’t know how to cope with stress. I live with someone whose energy is very draining to me so I hide away in my room much of the time because this person is ALWAYS home. I no longer know how to have fun and enjoy myself without alcohol. I sneak into everything I do even if it’s seeing a movie with my kids, I’ll sneak in a couple mini bottles of vodka to put in my soda. I see a therapist and have been giving myself permission to down two mini bottles on rapid succession just before seeing her, so that I’ll be more relaxed. I find an excuse to have drinks whenever I want to. I’ll pull one out of thin air if I have to but there’s always an excuse.

My sort of boyfriend is an alcoholic as well who wants to quit but I fear for him. I think of the two of us I’m the one who has hope to quit. I’m here in this forum after all, and I do see a doctor and a therapist. He goes to the bar every evening. I believe him when he says he’s really tired of the bar but he’s been going for 15 years. I think he doesn’t know how to exist without it. He won’t do anything with me or spend anytime with me. I see him once a week at the bar and then I drive him home, we stop at the gas station and he fills up my tank and buys me wine and he gets those awful twisted teas and then I drop him off, unless he actually feels like getting close and wants me to hang out which isn’t often because in one year he’s gained a ton of weight from drinking more than ever and he feels really bad about himself. I too became bloated ever since I met him over a year ago and we embarked on a drinking journey together then he distanced himself from me but he wants to still see me that one time a week. He’s very toxic for me even though he’s truly a gentle soul. I know two alcoholics can never work out really. I get drunk then text him mean things just to try to reach him because he’s so afraid of intimacy and commitment. It’s all very unhealthy. I can’t even picture me going to the bar and not drinking and yet that’s the only way I’ll ever see him. It’s sad.

And physically I’m very worried for myself. My blood pressure has been high every time I’ve seen my doctor. I feel often that I’m going to pass out, it’s anxiety but the symptoms are real and terrifying. I really don’t know how to feel comfortable in my own skin with the help of alcohol, it feels like alcohol is my only true friend really. And I’ve got to stop, number one for my kids. I grew up with an alcohol mother and I’m just repeating what I saw but it’s not ok. My mother wasn’t well and ended up dying from dementia at age 64. Another excuse for me to drink, because going through the “long goodbye” with someone you love, for years, is beyond painful.

How do you find happiness? Drinking doesn’t make me happy but it feels like the closest thing I have to that feeling. And I now feel I’m dangerously close to a serious health issue. I’m 44 and have been drinking for 25 years. It feels like all I know. I can’t get excited about life without it. I’m grateful for this forum, I’ve tried quitting before and I think I made it two weeks. That seems so out of reach now. I would be so proud of myself to hit two weeks now. Hell I’d be very proud if I could make it until Tuesday which is my bar night. But I don’t think it’s possible to just cut way back. I could live with that but I know for most people that doesn’t work out.

I’ve stopped caring about my appearance as much, I am always told I’m pretty but then today my daughter said I looked like hell and I do. Face bloated and red, eyes swollen from the crying. Just a sad look in my eyes. If I could get sober and take care of myself like I used to, my sort of boyfriend could see me and be inspired. I took naltrexone for awhile and was drinking much less and he said I was looking so healthy. I still have a six month supply of that, I think it’s time to go back on it. But spiritually it hard for, the loving yourself, the gratitude, I don’t know how to feel those things. It doesn’t come easy. I see my boyfriend and he plays the victim constantly and I know it’s because he wants an excuse to keep drinking. I know because I do the same.

Anyway sorry this was so long. I’ve really progressed now to a disgusting point where I’m drinkimg all kinds of cheap gas station alcohol drinks while I’m out working. Mind you I’m not driving drunk by any means. I drink in the parking lot and by the time I’m done shopping I’m barely buzzed. But I’m completely grossed out by myself. My oldest daughter knows the rare day I don’t drink and she always comments how good it is that I made it through the day. Mind you, the day. Because now I drink at all hours and day drinking seems to serve me better. I drink alone btw. I’ve never been a bar person, I just drink alone in my room and try to hide it from my my kids and anyone. You know. The careful trash disposal and everything.

When alcohol has become a crutch, and feels like your best and only friend, how do you give that up? What do you replace it with? I want to do this for my kids, then myself and then finally I want to do it for my boyfriend because he’s truly a sad soul. I’ve wondered why he loves the bar so much more than me, but then I think maybe my kids are thinking that about me and my wine. And it’s not true. They all just sit there drinking at that bar talking about nothing, really stupid things. He can never love me properly because alcohol is first in his life. And I know it is for me though I think if only I had a real relationship with him I wouldn’t need to drink, but that’s probably not the truth.

Thanks so much for reading all of this. It just feels good to get it out there. I’m in such a bad place right now. I want to quit but then I don’t. I want to but I’m afraid to oddly enough. Thanks for any comments or advice.