I'm hesitant about recovery altogether. I want to, I've put myself through hell these last two days but I foresee myself giving up eventually, my life is already over. I don't have a relationship with my family, don't see my son often, don't have any hobbies or career, I'm tired from too many traumatic events and dysfunctional relationships. I've tried this before. I see myself lasting a few weeks and deciding there's no point. And I can't recover my life. I don't talk to my family because they're toxic and I wasn't raised so I never made any life plan. I had to raise myself once I became an adult. It's happened before that I put in the work only to realize it doesn't change anything.
I genuinely thought my life would be dull grey and joyless once I got sober.
Nothing could have been farther from the truth.
Right now, and for however many years its been, your reality has been shaped by the booze and drugs you've been taking. Remove those from the picture and I think you'll be surprised at what you find.
It won't happen instantly - it took me about 3 months before I found a new normal, but it will happen
D