You know, if you wanted to die there would be far less convoluted and painful ways to do it. And you probably wouldn't be logging on to a sobriety site if there wasn't at least a part of you that wants to give sober living a try.
Jesus died on the cross to save us, because he loved us. Not because he was giving up on life. At the end of my drinking I wanted to die, but it was nothing to do with Jesus or God. It was because of my own addictive and insane thinking. Thankfully sobriety and working a good recovery program made a lot of difference to the way that I perceived the world. Turned out my perspective was just as screwed as my drinking off-button was. My off-button couldn't be fixed, but my perspective could be. Given time and work. But the first step was getting sober.
I hope you'll give yourself the chance to feel God's love, peace, grace and mercy as well. This world can be a great experience when we turn from addiction to connection.
BB