Hi, whatsagirl--I'm glad you came looking for help, and I'm even more glad that you're continuing to read even when what you're hearing is difficult, and almost certainly NOT what you want to hear. That's a good sign.
You've gotten some good advice here, and I want to second what dandy said about reading through the "stickies." Also read around the forum as much as you can--for me, it made a world of difference once I saw the bigger picture and realized that neither he nor I nor our situation was a "special snowflake" kind of thing. We were just doing the same dance of alcoholism and codependency that so many others had done before us.
I know it's tempting to think that you can somehow rescue him. It's a powerful attraction, to imagine that he'll change his whole life, all he needs is someone to LOVE and UNDERSTAND him, and that someone could be YOU. It's also unfortunately a big load of crap...and the more time and emotion you invest in it, the greater the pain when things finally become too much for you to cope with and you have to leave.
Before, I never understood that part about how the purpose of dating was to get to know someone, NOT to make a lifelong pact! Also, like you, I didn't realize that he would be (or SHOULD be!) on "best behavior" in the early days. It really does make a difference in how you think about things, doesn't it?
I recall a post from a member here called Wisconsin that was about a first meeting w/someone that I think she'd met online--had not met him in the flesh before, anyway. She asked him to meet her at a park, partly b/c she has kids and partly b/c it's an open, public place. He showed up with an open beer! While she was trying to think of a good way to end the meeting, he excused himself to the nearby woods to pee (another charming first-meeting thing to do, right?). While he was gone, she gathered her kids and got the hell out of there. This is a woman who has LEARNED THE HARD WAY about what to expect and accept in a potential partner! She saw every one of those red flags and took the appropriate action.
**Apologies to Wisconsin if I didn't tell the details correctly, but I think I have the gist of it here.
Whatsagirl, I am turning 58 today. Can I tell you, from this point in my life, to not stake too much on "feelings and a connection." First of all, there will be other people with whom you will also develop feelings and a connection (and I didn't believe my mom when she told me that either, so I don't really expect you to...). Second, as other posters have said, if a person is either drunk, recovering from being drunk, or trying to find a way to get drunk, how real do you think any of those feelings or connections are on HIS side?
Hope you keep coming back, and hope you are able to learn enough so you never find yourself in this situation again.