dear Kathy,
you do not have the heart of stone you claim to have.
if you did, this would be far easier for you.
clearly, you and your husband chose wisely when you picked each other.
accepting the realities vs the imaginings of how it would be..i don't know about it first hand yet, only where others' deaths are concerned. so yes, no words.
but you are so bravely finding your way as the steps unfold...and that is a choice, no? some run, or hide, or pretend. you are living it and sharing and ...sorry, i am rambling.
Steven Levine has written a few books you or others might find of use, among them " Meetings at the Edge" and "Who Dies?"
and as you said before: you cannot give what you have not got. you didn't put it quite that way, though.
i keep hearing that word you used: dissolution.
is part of being stoic a fear of falling apart?
is it okay to ask you questions?