TY for comments.
The big key here is I have been trying for help for 10 years now. Yes I have been given help but it's always on a trivialised basis. There's never really any empathy, understanding or proper support.
I say about symptoms and how hard it is for me to go about my daily life. I'm pretty much told to just keep trying. There's much more to it than that of course but that's the short version.
As for Asperger's. I have mentioned it to GP's who dismissed it. 1 said to me 'well you dont look like you have aspergers' (No idea if they can diagnose just by looking at someone). I don't seem to get past first base with that as instead of being referred for testing, i'm told I don't have aspergers by people I don't believe are qualified to say that.
The last few days have been a prime example of why it is so hard for me to stop drinking.
On Thurs it was my nans birthday. She is the last remaining family member I have. Knowing I wanted to try and be there for it, she paid for a taxi for me to get there.
On the day, her sister's came up to take her for a meal. I wanted to try and get out there so I went with them....Wish I hadn't.
Symptoms were horrendous. I did things my therapist told me to try and do yet nothing helped. 1 of nans sisters said to me I am looking good and well.... Due to symptoms making my mind blank, all I could say was 'yeah' and nothing else back to her.
I sat there in silence. Even when they spoke about things I know about (Vaping, football), the symptoms were extreme and mind was blank so couldn't think up the words to say.
The next day for an hour, I sat trying to take some positives from it, but there were genuinely none. I might as well not even been there and really wish I hadn't gone.
Then Friday....
A beer festival was in town and after that meal for nan's bday, I couldn't care less if I drink.
I went and what an amazing time. Total positives from it.
I sat there at a table alone with my dog, drinking. People approached me to make small talk and fuss the dog. Due to reduced symptoms because of drinking, I had some great conversations.
1 woman came over and invited me to sit at her table in the shade with her friends.... I did.
Great chat, we had a laugh and I was greatly involved in conversations, asking questions and making people laugh with witty phrases.
What are the negatives from it? I spent money I can't really afford to spend and at the end, felt myself getting a bit too tipsy (but I then said my goodbyes and went home).
Thats the difficulty though. Had I gone and not touched a drop, I would have sat there in silence, no conversation with anyone and would have avoided sitting at that table with people when invited, or if I did sit there, I would have sat there shaking, fiddling with things, avoiding eye contact