Not sure I understand the difference semantically between saying 'I don't do that anymore' and 'I will never do that again' - both mean no more usage either now or in the future but I guess I can say 'I will never do that again' as if I'm not doing it anymore, then I'm never doing it again!
So I have made a Big Plan, but I felt a lot of Beast Doubt (or, the Beast felt the doubt) when I made it. Still, at the moment I've accepted that the only way to end the addiction is to never use again - a concept I've struggled with in the past as I wanted to have my cake and eat it - use occasionally. The last time I 'gave up' was back in September after some horrific binges and I got through to New Years Eve without too many cravings, then I did the old 'I'll just indulge on NYE' thing and went straight back into the addiction after, like I'd never been away. So I learned the hard way with that one. But that's a good thing as I now know the occasional use thing is just BS and the Beast trying to cling on to any possibilty of being fed.
A brief summary of my cocaine career just so you understand where I'm at.
1997-2008 Used very occasionally, wasn't bothered by coke nor did I seek it out. I was more into Es at this point which whilst habit forming were never addictive in the same way.
2008 - 2009 Moved to a new town with a big coke/partying culture. Got into coke quite heavily.. maybe weekly use towards the end. Never daily - I've always been more of a binger.
2009- 2010. Moved back home - did a 'geographic'. Cross-addicted into mephedrone (bath salts) which were legal in the UK at that time.
2010 - unexpectedly fell pregnant, gave up all drugs and thought that was the end of them.
2011-2014 - very occasional use, no local dealer. Every 2-3 months when back in old town and could pick up. This was ok with me and my partner, didn't take over my life.
2014-2016 - still occasional but ramping up. Using with friends in the old town a lot - going on drug weekends there. Got a local dealer -went through several phases of intense use, giving up, going back to it.
2016-present. More and more use, feeling more out of control. Feeling like the addiction 'owned me' .Going through phases of bingeing every 2 weeks or so, regretting it immensely afterwards. Giving up in fits and spurts never for more than a couple of months.
June 2018 - Decided to quit for good.
Had a few more attempts /attacks by the AV yesterday, it's changed tack now and seems to be trying to bargain with me, as it knows I have the upper hand. Sort of saying 'how about if you only do it when you go down south' that type of thing. I'm just saying no - and although this may sound weird, I've made up a little ditty in my head about the beast kind of ridiculing it, and sing that in my head to drown it out and distract myself.. sounds crazy but I think it's working just to distract me and kind of bat the AV away.