mirrorball

So I've been trying to get my head around AVRT and permanent abstinence from my DOC cocaine.

Since I made my BP a week ago, my AV has been very active trying to get me to change my mind. Using a variety of tactics - whinging, commanding, pleading, bargaining.

I've found it a real struggle but been saying 'no' and trying not to argue with it. All the while feeling like the addiction has a real hold on me and it's kind of painful to say no never again but I know I have to be strong.

It's been quite difficult and the AV has definitely ramped up its whinging/persuading/pleading.

Last night I was out for dinner with a friend trying to enjoy myself despite the full on Beast attacks when it suddenly occured to me that I could just kind of ignore the AV, not really pay it any attention. Just realise that the Beast is doing what it does, what it'll always do, that's just 'the nature of the beast' and I could kind of not really take it seriously, in a 'talk to the hand' kind of way.

A bit like when my mother comes round and starts telling me what work I need to do to the house or whatever, when I haven't asked her opinion... I just sort of sit there saying yeah yeah yeah without paying much serious attention.

So rather than engage with the Beast and either try and explain why I was saying no, or worse - bargain with it and agree to have a little bit, or only on special occasions or whatever- strategies I've used in the past which have led back to full blown binges - I just kept saying 'no, I don't do that anymore' and it did take the heat out of it after a while.

I realised for the first time that I don't HAVE to do what the AV says and felt like that was something of a breakthrough. Like maybe that connection in my brain where the AV has in the past driven me to take action to indulge is somehow breaking down a little.

Does this sound like I'm beginning to get the hang of it?