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Old 07-03-2018, 10:22 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
mirrorball
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 52
I ended up trying to get sober every time I had a binge (cocaine)... I'd swear off it but within a couple of weeks that little voice would be nagging in my ear.. go pick up, go pick up, go on, go on... and I could resist it for a while but in the end just to stop the constant nagging I would give in and the cycle would start again...

I had a few scary experiences where I thought I'd OD. I have a young family, so I'm well aware how stupid and risky I was being.

What clinched it was when I went out one night intending to just go for a little while to meet a friend, ended up taking coke on the sly, staying out all night and finding a party, got home at 8.30 am to my husband and kids up and the look of disappointment in my husband's eyes.

He pretty much ignored me which is worse than being shouted at in some ways. I sat in the garden crying, kids were trying to play with me /talk to me and couldn't. Later on my daughter who is 4 years old fell over and cut herself and ran to her dad, I tried to comfort her and she looked at me and said 'No! I don't like you!'

I asked my husband to help me and said I was gonna stop. The kids are getting old enough to notice when I'm out of it, and it must have been scary for my daughter that 'normal mum' was not there that day.. I deserved her reaction (she's fine with me now, back to normal).

It's a big big wrench to give up the addiction, but I can't see a way forward unless I do. It'll just go on forever unless I wrench myself free. Luckily I have not lost everything - yet. But if I don't stop now I can see myself losing my family, job, home etc eventually.. and of course myself.

So that's my 'why'. If that's not enough god knows what would be.
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