I've got 10 days under my belt. Every morning anxiety greets me, but I think it's getting more manageable. I still feel like I'm avoiding and hiding from it. I wait until the last possible moment to get up.
Maybe if I got up and did something outside of my normal routine but the inertia is overpowering. It feels like groundhog day every day. Why do I refuse to do something, anything? I need to make a plan and force myself to do something first thing.
I work for myself which means that it's too easy to get lost in no structure or routine. I've been terrible about enforcing a routine in the mornings even though I suspect this would help me.
One thing I have been doing is forcing myself to eat. I used to eat my 5-6 meals a day...bodybuilding style eating even if offseason. Now I find it incredibly hard to eat anything. Protein, which is usually my go-to, makes me want to barf. So, I've been having a piece of toast which is better than nothing I suppose.
I've been doing a fair job of keeping busy. I read a lot, have piddled around with craft projects. I need some goals though. Something that is more concrete and spelled out.
My doctor gave me gabapentin and upped my dose of antidepressant. I took the gabapentin once but it made me so groggy I stopped. Also, I had worked hard to ween off my antidepressant over the last year or so. I went up on the dose a couple days but am now back down to my regular dose.
I also take a tiny dose of abilify (1mg) at night that I thought I had completely weaned off of. In desperation this weekend, I started taking that again and maybe it's coincidence but the crying spells let up and anxiety isn't as bad.
Am I trying to convince myself that it's not the alcohol? Idk. Still feeling tentative about my commitment to sobriety.
But, I do waiver between thinking that psychiatric drugs are a godsend or the devil. They are a b*tch to get off of. And looking back I wonder if some of my issues in my marriage weren't in part created by a combo of psychiatric drugs and their withdrawal along with alcohol and its withdrawal.
My sister gave me a book by Byron Katie called Loving What Is, so I've started reading that. Boy, do I have a lot of WORK to do! But at least I'm feeling less terrified about the future and less tormented by the past.