I'm rooting for you treeguy.
For a while after I quit my drugs of choice, I still thought like that guy.
Change took time and I needed that time and a little distance away from who I used to be.
Using subs is a hard thing to do with that mindset but I've seen here it can be done, as many folks here will tell you.
Find some counselling and come clean with your Dr before you find yourself digging another hole.
Are you going with a recovery programme or method at all?
D