Originally Posted by
lessgravity Funny how the mind plays its tricks and its games.
Solid in sobriety now, certain I'm never drinking again and yet...something triggered this fun, silly memory of sharing a bottle of wine with my wife when we first met, on a bus to a beach house we were staying at with friends, sipping from the bottle in the back seat of the bus. I remembered the exciting, flirty, hazy, drunk feeling I had with her. It was a fun ride, a sweet memory.
Then I felt sad, sad for myself. "You'll never have that again", I thought. I thought "you'll never be able to give her that kind of fun, careless, drunk time again" and I felt wistful self-pity.
Of course next I thought of all the lies and the tears on my wife's face and the fights and pain and the vomit and the sheer horror of being up at 3am in a state of pure panic, the shame, the lies, the wasted money, the wasted mornings, betraying the person I wanted to be, hurting my son, the lies, all the actual psychic and spiritual and physical GARBAGE that accumulated in my life as a result of all the bottles of poison I honored and cherished and sacrificed to.
So that fixed that.
Thank you for this post LG. I also struggle with random feelings of loss for the fun times associated with drinking. Despite knowing 100% that those days are gone and drinking will always bring nothing but misery to me going forward, the melancholy longing for how it used to be still pop up now and then.
I agree with what boreas said, and find it helpful to remember that its no different than other changes that we go through along the long and winding road of "adulting". I used to love ice cream, for example, (especially soft serve Carvel), but now I'm lactose intolerant. Even one Sundae will bring 6-8 hours of misery. I still remember how good it tasted but wouldn't even think of indulging anymore. Plus there's sherbert and almond milk.
I also have had battles in my head over the idea that just maybe someday I can recapture the glory of how drinking was before it all went bad; to get it back to good, when drinking was an accompaniment to activities rather than the main event; Before I preferred drinking in isolation and before I stopped doing everything else I loved so I could get drunk alone.
But the truth is that you simply can't unscramble an egg. The toothpaste cannot be put back in the tube. I passed the point of no return, and it will never, ever be good again. Accepting this as fact is true freedom for me, and allows me to acknowledge those sweet memories of when drinking was fun, yet focus on all the good, fun things life has in store for me now, going forward.