Thank you to everyone who has replied, it is really good to speak to other people who understand, even though our DOCs may be different it is all the same underneath, I believe.
I went out last night and my Beast was having trouble understanding the never again thing, in the past I've always said 'never again' and then given in, so it may take a while for the penny to drop for IT?
I did something yesterday to mark the significance of my decision - there is a town near me noted for selling jewellery, I went and bought a beautiful pendant made of fordite, this is my sobriety pendant and I'm going to go somewhere beautiful in nature, reaffirm my BP and put it on me.
It cost me around the same as a gram of cocaine, but if I ever use again I won't be able to wear the pendant, and it's a really beautiful, unusual piece of jewellery and I don't want to not be able to wear it! Sounds stupid huh but I felt like doing something to show I'm serious about this.
Doing healthy things today - I'm doing a mindfulness course, and I've booked some sessions with a running coach,. I'm going to a music concert later, and in the past that would have been an excuse to use but luckily the friends I am going with aren't in to that (they all gave up long ago, I should have done too).
Feeling good about my decision today and that's what it is at the end of the day.. a decision not to use again, as easy or hard as that is.
I like the thing about the museum Gerardtwine - when ever I've had any periods of sobriety, I've really enjoyed them, getting my health and energy back, so why I've always chosen to go back to my DOC I have absolutely no idea, I guess the Beastie doesn't let go easily and has always managed to convince me it's a good idea.