Welcome to SR!! Make yourself at home!
I agree that Alanon is the best thing going for your situation. It sounds like you are conflicted and learning as much as you can will help you make an informed decision. Making a life choice in reactive mode isn't what you want to do I am sure. You end up doubting yourself and wondering if you could have done more.
There is also a book I would recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Not that you are a codie...but it really gives an inside perspective how it is to live with an alcoholic and the common mistakes we all make.
One thing you need to know is that you are not alone. You are among friends here!