Thanks for your reply DWTBD.
I want so much to make this work this time! I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't have it both ways - can't have the occasional blow out without getting further into the addiction. The last time I quit (seriously quit) I went without my DOC for 3 months, until new years eve, where the addiction just picked up where I'd left it before really. I tried to do the 'occasional' thing and it didn't really work.
I think you are right that I have to accept I cannot have the deep pleasure again, that's what I'm trying to do. It's a trade. If I want to be free of the addiction (and I deeply, deeply do) then I have to relinquish the nice bits.. the allure of the buzz... no way I can have both.
It feels like giving up a dysfunctional relationship with a lover.. you know it doesn't work and you need to split but they've been part of your life so long. You have shared some good times together along with the bad. You're not quite sure how you'll live without them but know without a shadow of a doubt that you can no longer live with them.
I know I'm doing the right thing, but my beast feels bereft, confused and very sad, like I'm abandoning it. I was expecting anger or scorn from my beast, not this. For so long, this was my little secret thing, my secret thrill....
I want to live the rest of my life as a non drug user though.