lessgravity

Funny how the mind plays its tricks and its games.

Solid in sobriety now, certain I'm never drinking again and yet...something triggered this fun, silly memory of sharing a bottle of wine with my wife when we first met, on a bus to a beach house we were staying at with friends, sipping from the bottle in the back seat of the bus. I remembered the exciting, flirty, hazy, drunk feeling I had with her. It was a fun ride, a sweet memory.

Then I felt sad, sad for myself. "You'll never have that again", I thought. I thought "you'll never be able to give her that kind of fun, careless, drunk time again" and I felt wistful self-pity.

Of course next I thought of all the lies and the tears on my wife's face and the fights and pain and the vomit and the sheer horror of being up at 3am in a state of pure panic, the shame, the lies, the wasted money, the wasted mornings, betraying the person I wanted to be, hurting my son, the lies, all the actual psychic and spiritual and physical GARBAGE that accumulated in my life as a result of all the bottles of poison I honored and cherished and sacrificed to.

So that fixed that.