Originally Posted by PhoenixJ

Snuf...I get that. The shame and guilt btw- is you directed at you,,no one here will judge you. How many times, thousands of times did that happen to me??
It seemed to me if I drank- it was like I just did not understand why. The reason, I think - for that is because addiction does not follow logical thought. It is connected to a physical feeling, which gives and emotional response. The trick for me- was to build in a fail safe switch- so I do not go from good intentions to drinking. I know a guy, 10y sober- who for no reason he could understand- skulled a bottle of Japanese cooking wine, He was not stressed, had a good life- stable partner etc. He went on a 7 year bender. He does not understand why.
That is where the acceptance of being entirely and utterly unable to drink - to accept this as a FACT for me is so important. I can only do this with checkups from my GP- for major depression, PTSD etcetc, a counselor so I can work through keeping sober and a psychologist - with CBT to change my thinking.
My fail safe switch depends on a battery- that only gets recharged with constant effort.
I post here a lot, write books of journal stuff, paint a lot of crap (instead of drinking away a lot of crap) and make sure I avoid booze- and those who do booze. I also seek purpose- listen to advice and do stuff I do not understand why, or want to- because professional advise me too.
Meetings are very important- for me so I do not isolate - 'humaning' and to accept that this free group therapy is good..I do not hold to the god bit- but that is beside the point. I hear people say 'AA is not for me'..well it really is not for anyone. I try to focus on the prize- continued sobriety, rather than stay in the problems...
It takes work and focus- but you do not have to reach the depths of hell I went to..you can learn from others. Remember to rest, eat and hydrate- get some help...today is a new day and this moment is all we will ever have. The past cannot hurt us unless we let it.
Try to be kind to yourself...support to you.