Trying AVRT again
I've had a long history of cocaine abuse (10 years), been trying to give up and then chronicly relapsing the past 3 years or so.
I read Rational Recovery last year after yet another bender but really struggled with the concept of never doing it again.
For so long I could not accept never, particularly as I was not a daily user but more of a periodic binger. It was easy to give up for a few weeks but not so easy to stay given up, as my AV would convince me hey it'll be different this time, you can handle it, just do a little bit, it's a special occasion blah blah blah I'm sure you're all familiar with the excuses.
This year alone I've given up and gone back to it on at least 6 occasions. It seems like every time I take it, I 'give up' on the comedown and that lasts a few weeks before my AV tells me I wasn't serious and c'mon its time to party.
Well, I refuse to be so easily defeated. I realise now that I can never do drugs again, I have to let go that illusion of being in control and admit that it just messes me up, every time. The last time, I ended up coming home at 8 am feeling like the lowest piece of scum ever, still wired, unable to play with my kids.....
I've accepted on a deep level that it's over, I can't do drugs again. I've made my BP to just never use again no matter how much I may want to. My beast is grieving- I'm getting feelings of sadness and defeat which I assume is the beast as the real me is surely jubilant at my decision to quit?
I'd like to think I can make it stick this time. How do I know when I've turned the corner?