Dang! (The anxiety symptoms suck)
This is the massive problem to my recovery with not drinking..... the anxiety symptoms.
As said in my intro post, i'm not an alcoholic but i'm very much borderline thanks to anxiety.
So my symptoms..... Well... i'm in therapy (CBT) and even the therapist has a tough time with it because I have severe anxiety, yet I have no fears, don't overthink, have no worries that affect me. So I !should! be all fine right? Well, er, nope.
This is the thing. I am isolated after death of family, I actually want to be out there, meeting new people, eventually working again and building a life for myself. There are no fears that bring on anxiety symptoms at all. The symptoms just happen.
Let's take a typical day when depression hasn't dragged me to a complete low. I want to get out. I want to potentially make new friends. I don't have any fears or worries. Yet when getting out and about those symptoms start massively.
Typically it will be shaking, dizziness, feeling sick, heavy eyes, twitching in corner of mouth and eyes, legs feel heavy. I struggle to communicate and when I do, my words get twisted up.
These symptoms cause me so much distress I often have ended up going to the pub, self medicating with alcohol and carrying on with my day with symptoms now seemingly at bay.
I know how bad alcohol is, I hate the stuff. I hate waking up the next day wanting to sleep more, even if I don't feel tired and all the other next day side effects.
It's just when anxiety/nervous symptoms are that rife, I give up caring about consequences or weather it's a good idea. All I know at the time is "The symptoms are horrid, i'm not coping well, pub, alcohol, symptoms reduced, I can go about the rest of my day without symptoms".
I guess some people might think is it the alcohol causing the symptoms? Nope. These symptoms have been present ALL my life, about 10 years before I touched a drop of alcohol. How did I deal with them back then? Avoidance of situations.
Now with the way my life is.... Isolation, family deaths (Still in bereavement), depression, i'm already feeling rubbish. Then I have to put myself in situations where I feel even more rubbish (Anxiety symptoms), which makes me quite vulnerable to saying "sod it, pub".
I had a situation earlier like that where I went to a coffee shop. It was hell and I was tempted to ease the symptoms by going to the pub. Thankfully I didn't.... but am I any better for it? Nope.... as the next time I go to a coffee shop it will be those exact same symptoms that area huge trigger.