Mera,
oddly, i had searched for posts from you in the last couple of days, and i am very sorry to find these ones, but so relieved to find any at all.
of course you are tired....and now added the renewed drinking to the already-present exhaustion.
what are your options for a different therapist right now? it sounds like you might be suicidal and rather than not saying that it might help to find a "real-life" person to say it to. there must be at the very least a telephone crisis line where you could phone and take the edge off, relieve some pressure.
are you drinking now? can you get help if you physically need it and are in danger from drinking or withdrawing?