Originally Posted by
Snufkin 
06:50am meh meh meh
I couldn’t sleep all night, I know it sounds weird, but sometimes I’m too tired to sleep.
Today I’m feeling stuck, unmotivated and I just let the negativity to consume me. This is a very dangerous place to be in. I assume there’s no escaping and I find it hard to believe that sobriety’s ever gonna change this crazy delusional brain. It’s awful how easy it is to just sit and wallow in all this filth of self-destruction. I start to think, hey dumbass, it’s too hard, just give up already! My mind is filled with thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of being hated and unloved.
I don’t think any of this BS is true. I am not worthless, I am not hated, and there are people who care about me... it’s just really hard to climb back out of this hole.
I have a lot of drinking thoughts today. I finish my shift at 4pm and I’m thinking of going to the shop straight after to get bottles... but I won’t. Sigh. I want to give myself a chance, stay sober for a few months and see what happens. I remember my 90 sober days back in October; I was so healthy and proud of myself.
Right, off to work now.
Thank you all for your kind words and support!
(((Snufkin))). You are so right that you have people who care about you. There are dozens of people here who care very much for you. We may be virtual but we are real and our feeling are real and strong.
I think that you are an absolute delight; you are honest, caring and genuine - the world needs more people with those special traits. Your cat obviously adores you; pets are very good judges of character. You have a boyfriend who has been with you for a long time; that speaks volumes.
Focus on those 90 days; you can have those back and a lifetime of them, also.
The really good stuff didn’t emerge for me for quite some time. I was caregiving for a very ill and then dying parent and had absolutely no time to learn about recovery. That lasted for over two years during which time I acquired a gratitude and a sense of appreciation for sobriety (which is major). It wasn’t until I discovered SR (found and gave support here) and started working on myself (finding the roots of my alcoholism and turning those behaviors around) that I felt the beauty of true recovery emerging.
Do you journal? Try writing down your thoughts - maybe just one a day and analyze it. If it is negative one, think of ways you might turn it around. If it is a positive one, repeat it in your mind during the day. Focus on that positive as you fall asleep.
Can you volunteer? I know that you are busy woman but even one day a month can be therapeutic to those you help and to you. Volunteering has getting ‘me’ out of myself.
Sobriety is the most important component of recovery so hang onto that with all you haven hold it close: never let it go and let recovery begin.
Stay close to us.