Sam31p

Hello everyone, let's start with a bit about me.

I'm 31 and right on the border of dependancy.

I struggled with anxiety problems all of my life. It's a complex 1 as it's not typical of anxiety, I don't have irrational fears or worries, but whenever i'm out and about, the symptoms start up (shaking, heavy eyes, dizziness, struggle to communicate etc).

A while back I discovered alcohol and noticed it did help with anxiety symptoms.

2 years ago my mum died which left me in a state of isolation. Of course with bereavement it's important to have people around you at those times, yet anxiety got in the way of me meeting new people.

I would try and get out there, pubs (drinking coke and lemonade), coffee shops, casual restaurants. Sometimes people would mistake my anxiety symptoms as being on drugs, or would say 'oh, you are a nervous person, that's a shame'. When my mum was dying I even had a police officer tell me I look as though i'm up to no good, like a thief and I was searched.

Situations like that fuelled my drinking.

For the last 2 years my drinking has been for 2 reasons.

When out and about and anxiety symptoms are really hard to handle. I go to the pub, have 2 or 3 drinks, symptoms of anxiety reduce, I leave the pub, get on with shopping and go home. If in my 'tipsy' state where anxiety symptoms are reduced someone socialises with me randomly, I then lose control, have another and another in the moment.

The other is on a low day at home, I start drinking, play music of the past and allow myself to get emotional over mums death.

I am having CBT and after the last weeks events of alcohol I have hit a realisation and proactively trying to change.

I can't believe the illusion alcohol had me under. How I was doing myself good by drinking to control the anxiety symptoms. Yet in the last 2 years what has it done?

I have fallen over, lost bags of shopping, said silly things, had silly ideas, gambled away lots of money while drunk (thinking it was a good idea), perhaps more importantly above all that, I have made no friends..... Which was 1 of the main reasons for drinking (drinking to mask anxiety symptoms to meet people without the nervousness).

I have tipped away the alcohol I had left at home, i'm going to go to a church coffee morning and I want to keep posting here with progress.

Great to be here