Gottalife

My guess is you are not conviced you are alcoholic and don't really understand what it means to be alcoholic.

There may be a reason you are not convinced, based on your post and your grandmothers experience. Plenty of folks have problems with booze and other substances and just wake up one day and that's the end of it. And things get better. That is because booze is the problem. Take away the booze and the problem is solved.

We call them hard drinkers in AA. They are often hard to distinguish from the real alcoholic because their drinking behaviour can be very similar. However they can stop or moderate if they have a good enough reason.

The alcholic OTOH has tremendous difficulty stopping, and cannot moderate at all. On top of that, stopping drinking tends to reveal the real problem, which is alcoholism. Just stopping drinking does not usually provide a better life. In fact things often get worse for a time.

I guess you could take advantage of the hiatus, and write down your drinking experience of the past, what problems you had and how sucessful you were in fixing them. Perhaps that would give you an answer one way of or the other.

I followed a more dangerous path, an experiement in moderation as it was suggested in the AA big book. I instantly came unstuck, and at the same time convinced about my problem. I was able to then proceed with recovery without any "what if" reservations.