Thank you all so much.. the message helped a lot. I guess I am going through an existential crisis phase - I'm sure my sponsor means well, but he emphasizes that 'none of us surrendered until we were ready' and that 'I'll know when I am ready' etc. It puts me in a hopeless situation.. as if waiting for some magical rock bottom.. I almost feel scared to even try to stop drinking again, I'm just petrified of failing, of letting myself and sponsor down etc.. perhaps the sponsor is a bit heavy on the powerless/self will run riot part. That ANY attempt at controlling from my part is bad. What started happening is that while internalising step 1 and 2.. I began to LIVE UP to the fact that I am powerless and an alcoholic.. so I end up drinking to black out for that very reason almost.. like there is no hope so its just something that I have to do to myself... aaanyway.. Hoping to pull myself out of this one and give myself another shot, and hoping the psych would help!