Originally Posted by
WeaverBird 
Hey my lovelies, I am here, I just feel bad posting because I'm lightyears behind y'all (that sounds funny in an English accent).
I feel I have nothing to contribute of use. Since this thread started, I can see just how damaging this disorder is. I had no idea what I was up against. Now I'm seeing that it is indeed life or death. I feel like I'm dying after this latest binge actually.
I weighed myself. Weight up 3 pounds since yesterday. I normally don't weigh myself when I'm on the way up, but I thought if I forced myself to acknowledge what's happening to my body it would stop me. Couldn't find anything nice to wear that fits and took a photo of myself for the App in the hope it will encourage me. Trouble is that might work for normal people to motivate them. But for me. Oh so many tears. Weight is all round middle section.
Anyway, no breakfast today. I dread starting eating because then I know I won't stop. (I like the idea of protein for breakfast btw and wonder if I should do the continental thing and have cheese and meats and just give up on trying for cereals and milk). Anyway, so no breakfast, off to church ~ felt great, just lots of socialising, then Bam! I'm buying some 'essentials' in the supermarket and eating my whole calories for the day in sugar in the space of 10 minutes in the car on the way home.
Sorry guys. I hadn't realised that this is the alcohol all over again. Get a few hours or days or even a week and then Wham! off again. I wasn't like that with the alcohol, I guess I was so so ill at the end that it gave me a window of opportunity. I see that pattern in other people though, and now I'm doing that with the food. I guess I just didn't see this as so serious.
However, it is and today I had such a sense that the universe is suggesting I stop hurting myself like this, or it will step in and make me. Probably with diabetes or heart disease, or cancer.
And, boy did I have a mood change about 20 minutes after eating that sugar. I won't bore you with the details of the strop and now the moping and misery me! There is NO denying that the food is causing this. I am choosing to ruin my day. I was so happy before and now I literally feel like I am fighting for my life. My heart rate is up, it's difficult to breath, I feel like I'm made of lead. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. It's me.
Also, it was like a trance before, like going in to a narrow tunnel where the focus is on getting food. I used to be like that with the drink. I'd go to the shop like a robot. People on this site saved my life when I started posting what I'd bought and what I was planning to do. Do I have to go to that length to stop the food?
Worse, I've been using myfitnesspal App, so I know afterwards what I've done. This is new behaviour for me. In the past I was either stacking on the pounds. And I can easily put on 10 pounds in a week. Half a stone in a weekend sometimes. Or I'm starving. I've never followed a diet as such. Eat for 5 people or starve it off.
I did scatter some ashes on Friday so there's unresolved pain under the surface. I don't know how to get at it. And if I have to be psychologically well before I can get free of the unhealthy eating cycle, then I'm DOOMED.
Sorry for that lot. Love Weev
Oh my sweet Weev- I can relate and understand 100% of what you wrote.
This is why I made this thread. This is why I have been in so much pain these last few weeks. I also realized that this is just like quitting alcohol, all over again and it's frightening, smothering, all consuming. However, I believe that these feelings will fade and new feelings of strength and hope will soon take over. I'm actually feeling more hopeful now and less fearful than I was a few weeks ago. I have a feeling if you just keep pushing through, you will also get to this point, in your own time.
This is a process- just remember that. Give yourself time to go through the process and system of accepting what is- remember the serenity prayer-
we can't change this but we can have the courage to change when we are ready. It took me several weeks just to admit I was powerless. Now that I am sure of that, I can move on to tackle the actual problem.
You do contribute to this thread just be being here and you are not lightyears behind anyone. I haven't gotten more than 3 days yet. I am still struggling. I know a lot of us are. Please don't compare yourself with anyone.
As for how to use this thread, my initial intention was to come on here and commit to an hour of abstinence from compulsive overeating because that's all I could do. If that works for you, you could try it. I do believe for some of us like you and me, this is just like it was with the alcohol. We need to reach out for help- we need others to talk us out of it. And that's ok. This is difficult stuff- truly difficult but I have hope, lots of hope for both of us. I want you to find that hope too.
For me it starts with changing my diet. Cereal in the morning would lead me to a binge. Remember how you felt when you tried low carb? Did the desire to binge subside just a little bit? If so, why not try again with your breakfast? Eggs and cheese or meat or whatever you like. For me my first meal is a fatty protein shake because that's what I've been doing for many years (used to be just a protein shake now I add the fat.)
If those podcasts I shared were helping, would you be willing to start listening again?
I am begging you not to give up on yourself. And whatever weight you put on and off in a week is just water anyway. I never weigh myself after a binge- I would lose my mind. I can see the water on my body and I know that after 3 days it is gone again. Don't let self loathing win this time- you are worth this my friend- small changes today. Do whatever you can but if you are feeling the need, reach out before you eat sugar. I love you!
