Yes, it definitely started when I was doing WW many years ago. Back then it felt like restriction was the most overwhelmingly awful thing in the world. I was obsessed with being able to control portions, but eat what I wanted, so I would not feel deprived. It took me a long time to realize that I had never achieved that "lack of deprivation" feeling I was so sure I would be able to reach. I literally
always felt deprived when focusing on portion control.
My views have since changed about restriction and deprivation. I have a sugar and carbs addiction. There's no question that the rest of my life is better when I eliminate those things from my diet altogether and eat real foods. And when I don't think about how much of those real foods I'm eating. Have I gained weight? Sure, some. But the biggest part of this process has been self-acceptance, regardless of the number on the scale (...of course I threw out my scale four years ago), based purely on how I feel.
I, of course, like a lot of addicts, am still in place where I believe moderation is possible.
Despite repeated evidence that it's not.
About six weeks ago I started a reasonable exercise program. This has made a huge difference in how I feel about myself. I think I might have lost some inches, and that's great, but I have to work every day to keep the focus on how I
feel, not how I look. At the end of the day, the only person who really cares about how I look is me--and that's a trap that my addiction really wants me to fall into, of shame and self-loathing. The people who love me don't love me for my thigh gap or how I look in a bikini. The people who care about that are best let out of my life.
I feel like I lost a lot of years obsessed with numbers that have never served me--calories, pounds, etc. I wish I had spent those years focused on the people and things I love instead. But I can only move forward at this point.