Thanks to everyone who replied to my posts... I do wish I could comment on each and every one but my two pups finally fell asleep and I’m sleepy too so need to get sleep whenever I can because they usually get “the friskies” after 4-5 hours of sleep... raising 2 pups, about 10 and 14 months old, can be as difficult as raising 2 toddlers!
I did go to hospital my insurance covers, drive was over 2 hours each way and spent about 5 hours there getting blood tests, CT scan and MRI... some kind of heart test forget what it’s called, hooked up to electrodes, walk around, checking my heart... at age 50 they say I’m as healthy as someone 20 years younger... so at least I can breathe a sigh of relief there.
All I could think about at the hospital is how horrible I felt about leaving my 2 pups home alone, they had never been alone more than an hour when I’d do grocery shopping, lately only did shopping when my husband was home, and they always seemed so sad to see me leave and so very happy when I returned... and that’s what’s keeping me going right now, what’s keeping me sober... my 2 sweet pups.
I did pour out the drinks and felt great to do so. I didn’t intend my post to sound like I felt better than others... I do have great compassion in me, especially to those who may be less fortunate... but when I posted I was in such a self-loathing mood and I felt bad about how at the convenience store I felt myself looking down on these total strangers, I think it was my AV just looking for a reason, any reason, to relapse. “I’m a mean bad alcoholic, so I should punish myself by drinking.. nobody would know or care if I drink this crappy stuff” that was my mindset at the time.
I think I was spending way too much time reading posts on SR... don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming SR for my feelings... but I was reading so many stories about people being sober for days/weeks/YEARS and then... RELAPSE. And in my head I was thinking once an alcoholic always an alcoholic and statistically I’ll probably relapse it was inevitable... I didn’t even know what “AV” was until I looked it up I think it was a week or 2 ago... so it was so easy for me to buy the cheap booze and blame it on my AV.
But I resisted drinking it, every time I opened the fridge I was a wee bit tempted but disgusted I had purchased it... now it’s gone and I have no desire to replace it.
Thanks to everyone who understands what I’m going through, it feels really good to know I am not alone or that my alcoholism made me some kind of rare monster like a serial killer might be... normal decent human beings can and do become alcoholics. I’m feeling confident though that my last drink weeks ago was my LAST.
Goodnight now must get sleep and sweet dreams to everyone.