I'm having a really tough two days- a lot of panic/anxiety and this last hour was the worst. I was out with a friend and the kids were playing great (we were outside at a snowball place) until it was time to leave. My oldest started acting up, and caused quite the scene as we were leaving- he screamed "You are so mean" and "I hate you...I really really hate you" as he scooped up sand in his shoes to bring into the car and I dumped them out. I have a very hard time with him and his behavior, and public humiliation is a huge trigger for me.
I yelled and then cried on the drive home and now I want to stuff my face. I had a yogurt and some almond butter to calm down but damn it, I'm still so upset even though we just talked things through. It's just so embarrassing and the worst part is that 2 other families from his class were there too, one of which gave me her number earlier today so we could plan a play date. Now she probably won't even want to follow through with that because he looks like a problem child, I'm sure and I look like an awful mom.
And of course I blame myself for letting him have a sugary treat- what do I expect? If it affects my mood, why wouldn't it affect his? I just wish he could transition better from one activity to the next. I wish I could stay calm when he gets aggressive and mean. I was not the person I wanted to be today and I am ashamed of that.
I just want to curl in a ball and hibernate. I feel so lost. I don't want to be a parent right now. I can't handle it.