I'm doing a mindful self-compassion course at the moment and last week we spent the whole evening discussing shame. It's a big topic! Here's some of the stuff I learnt .... it helped me, hopefully it might help someone else.
Shame is different to guilt. Guilt arises when we feel bad about something we've done. Shame arises when we feel bad about who we are. Shame is a universal emotion, we all feel it but it can be more difficult for some of us than others. Shame is likely to be stronger if we experienced harsh criticism, trauma or neglect as a child.
Most of us feel bad about ourselves when things go wrong in our lives. First we have bad feelings and then our experience can progress like this. ..
'I don't like this feeling'
'I wish I didn't have this feeling'
'I shouldn't have this feeling'
'I'm wrong to have this feeling'
'I'm bad'
In this way, we can often move quickly from fear to 'I'm defective'.... from anger to 'I'm a mean person' or from sadness to 'I'm weak'.
This leads to very specific, repetitive thoughts that go through our minds when life gets tough...lingering self-doubts, often from our childhood ... all of which seem perfectly clear and true to us in our most vulnerable moments. These are our negative core beliefs and examples include ... 'I'm bad....unlovable....not good enough....selfish.....useless....pathetic....nasty ...etc'
Our negative core beliefs are the mental component of shame. Shame is maintained by silence. Negative core beliefs hang around for so long because we hide them ... we're scared that we'll be rejected if these aspects of ourselves become known. We forget that other people share these same feelings and this can leave us feeling abnormal and isolated.
When we come to know and recognise our negative core beliefs they lose their power over us and we can free ourselves from the shame that they create. Part of practising self-compassion is reminding ourselves that every human being has strengths and weaknesses, including ourselves. While our internal shaming voice concludes that we are bad, our inner compassionate voice knows that every human being is far too complex to be summed up simply as worthy or unworthy, lovable or unlovable.
I've started thinking over past experiences I feel very ashamed about. It's uncomfortable but I've stayed with the shame and identified the originating negative core belief. For me, it's usually 'I'm worthless'. I then spend a few moments in silence telling myself 'let me know that I have worth..... let me know that I matter'. By doing this, I'm acknowledging the negative belief and challenging it. To be honest, I already feel as though I'm letting go of some of the shame. I still have a long way to go but I refuse to let shame control me. It's a trigger for me so it's important that I deal with it. I'm just taking baby steps at the moment but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction xxx