Hi, I hope you read the responses here. And welcome.
I, too, understand how you feel. It’s a horrible feeling. I would encourage you to really look at it, (it sounds like you are) and use this horrible feeling in a positive way. You can move forward. I’m reminded of my best friend, who has a foster child who she is teaching to adequately apologize. I’m 41 years old and didn’t know how to apologize until I visited her home recently.
I’m sorry for...
I’m sorry because....
I hurt/troubled/embarrassed, etc. you by...
This is what I will do/am doing to move forward...
Ask for forgiveness.
And the question is, what will you do to move forward? If you believe that you have a problem with alcohol, there are so many resources here to help.
I became sick of major episodes like that you’ve described here, and less major but equally embarrassing and hurtful ones, day after day after week after month after year, and I pulled myself out of bed and used the tools on this site to move forward. My life has become more meaningful and pleasant from it. My drinking days didn’t involve drunken car crashes, jail, lost jobs, or living on the streets, although others did. Mine just looked like this story here. Finally I decided I didn’t want a life that looked like this, ever again.
The feelings you’ve described are awful, but dwelling there isn’t healthy. It’s a powerful place to be. You can rise out of those feelings with your integrity, if you have a good plan. The plan can be very simple and it’s yours to make.
Hugs to you, and thanks for your story.
In gratitude
Bexxed