Hi mns! I can relate to a lot of what you say. I'm also a binge drinker. I was using alcohol to "escape" emotions. But, of course as we've learned, there is no escape. We have to feel them and process them. I know I'll never stay sober if I don't. Journaling is helping me, as well as "thinking through the drink"..... If I have 'just one', I'll have 10. Next morning be hung over and full of shame and regret. Then have to start all over again. I am so sick of doing that to myself.
Be kind to yourself and keep posting. We can do this!