Struggling
Hi everyone.
I’m reaching out again because my head has been in a rough place lately and of course I’ve been drinking.
2018 has not been great for me so far. After maintaining a pretty solid stretch of sobriety in the second half of last year, I kicked off this year by going through a really tough breakup with a girl I thought at one point would be the girl I marry. Boom, back to the bottle I went. I found out recently that she is seeing someone new and it was like getting sucker punched in the gut. The past few weeks have been really tough for me and I can’t take it anymore.
My relationship to alcohol at this point is absolutely torturous. I never really want to drink. In fact I really do despise it. But I let the thought of temporary “escape” and the impulsive nature of addiction drive me to ignore how I really feel. It is terrible.
I used AVRT and meditation last year to stay sober for months. I was really dedicated and consistent. I wanted it. But getting over this girl has been tough. And I know it will be easier if I’m not drinking myself into oblivion every night and waking up miserable.
I tried some AA meetings early last year but quickly felt out of place. I simply couldn’t identify with anyone I met. It actually depressed me even further. Every stretch of sobriety I’ve ever maintained was done on my own using some form of mindfulness. So now I’m buckling down again with AVRT and mindfulness meditation practice. I had one night last week where I didn’t drink. I didn’t sleep much, but still felt better the next day than I would if I had drank. And honestly it wasn’t a challenge. I wasn’t being tormented by the urge to drink, but I was being very present and observing of my thoughts. So I know I can do this if I remain vigilant. It’s just really tough with where my head’s at right now.
I’ve also decided that intimate relationships are off the table for me until I get sober and feel secure in my sobriety. Because this has been awful.