Atlantis

It is so painful to write this, but I have to let it out of my chest for other human beings to read. Only I have to share it with people who don't know me, hence that's why I'm writing here. I'm not asking for sympathy or judgement, just please read. It is very long, but I will start with what happened before I found out about the affair, and then finish off after I found out about it.

I'm a young mom (35yo) of 3 young kids under 10. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. My husband (40yo) is an addict. He's an Alcoholic, previously had 10 year sobriety, relapsed in 2011 and since then, a few times a year. Each time he relapses, he usually picks himself up right away.

OUR MARRIAGE

My husband and I had our ups and downs, but we used to have a strong marriage based on mutual trust, faithfulness and love. He is a great guy, loves baseball, intelligent, had a great job. He has a big heart, our kids were his life. He would miss the kids badly when he goes in on Mondays. He is a very sweet man, when sober. When he is not sober, he can do the worst imaginable things. Today, i wonder who he truly is.

THE BEGINNING OF OUR TROUBLE


In 2014, when I was pregnant with our youngest child, he got home very drunk from the airport. He wasn't a violent type. That night, he grabbed a kitchen knife and walked upstairs into our room when I was sleeping. He was pointing the knife towards his own chest and said he did not want to live anymore. I called 911 and they admitted him at the psychiatric ward. He was there for 1 week and then came out determined to be sober. A year later, similar thing happened, and I took him straight to the psychiatric ward and they kept him for a week.

A few weeks later, he stopped taking his anti-depressants. His depression got worse and he started to have severe back pain. He went to see a Pain specialist and was prescribed PERCOCET right away, but was told to get a complete blood count, plus imaging of his back and spine.

3 weeks had passed until the tests came back, and they were normal. The doctor told my husband he was no longer prescribe him Percocet. Upset, my husband thought it was "inhumane" for the doctor to drop him while he was still in a lot of pain; so he went to see another Pain doctor who this time, prescribed him Percocet. Every month, my husband would visit the doctor for a refill...This lasted for months. I slowly noticed my husband slipping into his own abyss. He started to sleep in a little more each day, and would not sleep at night. He complained more and more about his pain, he worked from home, but missed a lot of it because he was having a hard time waking up and focusing. His pain was unbearable, and he would go to the ER about once a month to get relief. This went on for a year. I told him I was concerned about his wellbeing and recommended he sees another doctor and to slowly get off the medicine. He started to get defensive, and saying things like, " you never support me", " all you care is about medicine", " you don't give a **** about me" etc...He continued to take his medicine for 8 more months in the meantime, he got worse. He now slept all day, and was up during the night. He missed a lot of work, was fired, got a new job, was fired, repeat...He missed a lot of times with the kids. I remember on our last vacation, we missed the "check-out" because he couldn't wake up. He was fine, just couldn't get out of bed.

Around May 2017, we went to see a Neuro-surgeon, who ran a new set of tests and upon receiving the results, confirmed that they all came back normal, and he recommended he sees a Neurologist, a therapist who can help him taper off his medicine. My husband initially agreed but then canceled the appointment and told me to not get involved with his medication.
We had a big fight that day, and he threw his pills in the trash, and then told me, he would "kill himself as a result." A couple of hours later, he went in the trash to retrieve the pills and started to be erratic. He started to slam doors, scream at me and the kids, and destroyed our window blinds and dresser. He said, "if you dare the call the cops, I will ******* kill them". He also quit his job because he was so angry at me for attacking his medicine.

I packed the kids to my sister, and went to court to get him ordered to be evaluated at the psych ward. He was at home when 10 police officers broke into the house. I was just a couple of blocks away, shaking, waiting for the cops to call me when they have him. He was asleep when they got in, and he was resisting them. He was fighting the cops, but they were able to handcuff him and took him to the psych ward. There, he told the doctors that I was lying because he hated the psych ward so much.

They kept him for a week. I wanted to visit him but he was angry at me and did not give me permission to see him. At the same time, I was hoping that they would evaluate him with "substance abuse". During the exit interview, I was present and pressed for them to further evaluate him and keep him until he had accepted to enter a treatment, or at least agree to taper off his Percocet...but since the medicine was prescribed by a doctor, there was nothing they could do and he was released.
When he got home that night, he said he "loved me very much" and that he will "taper off taking the medicine by August 2017."At the same time, nothing much changed except he was now more angry at me. His performance at work also took a turn for the worse and he lost the job he quit. He also mentioned he wanted to die, so many times. He knew I was going to call the cops if he continued acting erratic.

THE BETRAYAL

A few days later, he started to sleep on his male friend's couch a couple of nights a week. Soon, he said, he couldn't sleep at the house anymore, because he didn't feel safe and that he didn't want to end up in psych ward or in jail, since he was still taking the Percocet.
In the meantime, he complained that he missed me and the kids but that he couldn't stay at the house. He kept telling me he was sleeping on his colleagues' couches and sometimes in his car. He never really officially told me he moved out and intended to separate. I had been a stay at home mom for 10 years. When we separated, i went back to work for a very first time. I made money but still needed support from him.

2 weeks later, he opened a new bank account and said his income was now just his, and that he would be depositing money to our joint account. He gave me and the kids 2/3 of his income but was a jerk. Now mind you with 3 kids, a mortgage, car payment, food, activities, summer camps, I felt very blindsided and stressed about money.
He said he wasn't staying home anymore and that he needs to find a place to stay. He also confirmed we were now separated which still caught me off guard. I knew my husband was upset, but he wouldn't just take off and move out or worse "separate" without talking to me. He said if I hadn't called the cops on him, or if if had cared more about him, than the Percocet, he wouldn't have left home. He blamed everything on me. I told him I was willing to see a Marriage counselor to save our marriage but he declined. I repeatedly asking him to come home to work things out but he kept declining. Then he had a consultation with a lawyer, that confirmed he didn't have to give me a dime until we signed a separation agreement. He started to act like a jerk.
He then told me he was staying in the apartment of 2 sisters in the program. He swore they were like sisters and that he was not, and did not plan to be in in romantic relationship with any of them etc...He also said both women had been sober for 12 months and that they have a "no alcohol, no drug policy" and if he violated the policy, he would be kicked out of the apartment.

He started to make unrealistic demands, such as cancelling the kids summer camps, our vacation, asking he only sees the kids at his apartment. In the meantime, he still told me he loved me but that he just couldn't be at the house with me. Within the couple of weeks, he introduced her to me, as his “friend in program”. My mom was suspicious but i shrugged it off since i thought he would never, ever cheat on me. When the 3 of us were together during those pick ups and drop offs, they would act just like they were strictly platonic.

My kids started going to his apartment, and even slept over on some weekends. He said he was lonely. Then out of the blue, in September, he came back home because "he missed us". He also told me he was no longer on Percocet, but was now on "weeds" to help him with the pain and anxiety. When he briefly came back in September, October, he told me his dear friend was looking for a job part-time so since i just started working and need part time childcare, he suggested we hired her a part-time sitter. Since i was a fool, i did hire her for around 3 weeks - until he moved out again for the second time. I let her stay at our house to babysit our kids, go trick or treat with us on halloween and drove our kids around.

My husband acted very normal around. He knew i trusted him and would not question his faithfulness. Most of his friends were female and i got along with all of them. I often even cried to her, “I miss my husband, i so want him to come back home”, and she gave me a big hug, saying “I know, I know it’s hard”. They would occasionally pick the kids up or drop them off together, usually early in the morning or late at night. During this period, His car was at the shop so he Used that as a “perfect opportunity” to “borrow” her car, he would be driving and she would be seating on the reclining passenger seat.

When he was back at the house, he spent a lot of money on weeds, and most of his time in the basement smoking them. He was sleeping in, most of the days, and would be up all night. He would still have problems at work. And he would still miss things we needed to do with the kids. When he was out of weeds, he started to act like an ass again, and when I confronted him about it, he moved out of the house for the second time. This time, he said, he couldn't feel safe at the house.

A week later, he was fired for the 4th time within the last 18 months. He was now jobless, very little money came in and he still kept 1/3 of whatever he had. On thanksgiving eve, he asked my kids to be dropped off at the apartment to spend the night and then half of thanksgiving day with him. Around 1pm on Thanksgiving, he told me to come get the kids because their meals weren't prepared on time. He saw the kids on and off as he pleased in the meantime.

I started to get upset as he was not around the kids that much. He started to call me names, such as "****, nasty ass bitch, ******* *****, etc..."; and that he "would come into our house and destroy everything in it".
I went to court and got a restraining order against him. I have it now for 2 years, but lawful contact is allowed.

He got toasted by the judge, lost custody of our kids, and was not allowed to be in the house, but was required to make payment on the mortgage, and our bills, etc...
His lady friend, whom he called "roommate" came with him at the court for "support". He came to the house that night and his friend picked him up because he had "no gas". Again, as they made their way out of the house, I sat on the couch feeling oblivious. Now I look back and I feel like a fool.

**** started to get back around Christmas. When he came over on Christmas Eve, he had to leave during the day to babysit for his roommates kid because she had to go to the ER. A few hours later, he came back, and we watched a movie through his laptop while wrapping our kids presents. During the movie, her text messages popped out of the screen, saying, "I thought we were going to FaceTime at 1am?". THAT'S WHEN I FINALLY SUSPECTED THAT THEY WERE *******!

I confronted him about it, but he kept swearing they were just friends and roommates. The kids were asleep. Then morning came, the kids opened their presents, and then after that he went back to sleep on the couch until 4pm. I confronted him about it again, and this time, he started yelling. I warned him I had a restraining order against him and that would call the cops if he continued.

A few minutes later, The woman called our house the next day and I told her to %$$$ off. Did she care? Nope. She was waiting for him in the car outside our house.

I did try to make it amiable, but as a human being, I lost it that day. I told him in front of our kids that he was a deadbeat dad, that he abandoned us for the his mistress, and that he was the most selfish human being that I have ever known. I told him I will never forget the pain that he inflicted on me and our little kids, that and he was not welcome at the house anymore, and that I will be filing for divorce based on abuse, abandonment and infidelity. Then I threw his bag out of the door. The woman was impatiently waiting for him in the car outside our house. All of this was unfortunately witnessed by our 3 young kids. My oldest covered his ears with his hands and had tears coming down his face; my daughter cried hysterically; and my youngest one, took my hands and told me to go in the other room, away from my husband. Then he left. I apologized to my kids and told them, " daddy had to leave the house because he was screaming and because he did something that made mommy very upset". I still can't believe that that happened.

5 days later, I sent him an email reminder that the lawyer and I are meeting to file for divorce and that he will be served with divorce paper soon. The night before I saw my lawyer, he sent me an email telling me, "IM NOT DOING WELL AT ALL, I MISS YOU AND THE KIDS VERY MUCH" begging me to speak with him.
I filled out the divorce paperwork Thursday before Martin Luther weekend, our lawyer planned on sending the file Tuesday when the court opens. After meeting with the lawyer, I sat down with him. He cried the whole time and begged to stay in the basement to be close to the kids. At the time, I had suspicion about the affair, but no proof. He kept saying they were just roommates.

Then he came back in the basement, and I found out about the affair by going through his journals which was on the computer that he borrowed from me. He finally admitted everything to me. And I was heartbroken.

HIS EXPLANATION

He told me, he moved out because he was scared of going back to the psych ward or jail and needed a place he can escape.
Then he put an add on the AA club forum on facebook looking for a room, to which she immediately replied. They have been acquaintances for a while. She told my husband she was in a relationship with a man he knew, and that she had been sober for 12 months. She also claimed, she will kick him out if he drinks or does drugs.

My husband said his intentions were never to sleep with any woman, but to have a safe place to stay while he was figuring his **** out os he doesn't end up in jail.

He moved in believing she was a safe person to be around...and it was matter for days for him to sleep with her. She was in the middle of divorce herself so she recommended her lawyer to my husband, gave him advice on how things work now. A few days after they slept together, she told my husband she was on probation, because her boyfriend from 2016, took her fentanyl and died in her bed. She was required to secure her medicine in a safe away from anyone's reach.
However, She gave my husband the code of her safe so he could take Percocet from her. So all they did was sharing each other's Percocet and sleep all day for days.

I blame my husband for what he has done to me, but I do blame her as well.

THEIR BREAK-UP

The day my husband came back home, he told her he was going to stop by to grab his belongings. He told her he was going back to his family and that they were through. She was kind of blindsided and kept sending him messages and emails but he blocked her. He didn't talk to her about anything, just took off as if he didn’t even know her. A week later, he called her when I was around and told her, he was back with me and would like for her to stop contacting him. He told her to never contact “him or his wife again”. I could hear her cry on the other line. No, this does not make me feel proud or special at all, but what did she expect. She even asked me for money because she paid for my husband’s expenses when he didn’t have a job. I told her to get lost.

NOW

Now my husband and I are still together. Yes I know. Most people would have left. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but only time will tell. My husband had never cheated on any woman he dated until he crossed her path. He's a grown ass man and is responsible for his actions but I feel like if he hadn't crossed her path, he wouldn't have cheated on me. (please don't judge me, I'm sharing this based on the years of knowing him)

Some days, I feel like he cheated on me because he was misled and his judgment was clouded. So as a human being, he succumbed to the temptations and lost his integrity. By the time he realized what happened, damage had been done.
Our kids seem to be very happy that daddy is around and doing better health wise. He's more attentive to our needs and helps around the house. He is active in the program and sees a Therapist and Psychiatrist. He has been sober since he came home in January. He's more sensitive to my feelings and starting to enjoy things we used to do as a couple and family. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the right thing to stay. I can't imagine explaining my kids when they say "daddy back hone now?" or "daddy coming hone soon?" or "I want daddy". They seem to be genuinely happy that daddy is back home.

But some other days, I hate myself for staying with a cheating, dishonest addict. I feel like he's an enemy, the betrayal, lies, abandonment, manipulation are too painful to let go. Sometimes I hate to share the bed with him. I still love him but don't see him as my soul mate anymore. I have resentment to what he had done to me and the kids.

But then, i simply don't have the courage to walk away. I'm afraid to raise my kids alone, as a single mom. Financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally. Per my lawyer, spousal support is good for around 10 years. Child support until the kids reach 18 and it covers the basic of kids expenses. I'm an Administrative Assistant and makes 3% of what he makes. I will be 45 in 10 years. What if i can't send my kids to college? Since he is not required by law to pay for their tuition, i have little faith in him doing it. What if his new "partner" doesn't treat my kids right and drives him away from them?The list is endless.
One thing i noticed and stands out is that when my husband and i were doing well and he had a job. Friends and families (especially his side) were all loving, and would check on us, offered to babysit so we could go to movies etc...). When my husband was out, and lost his job, and i asked for $500 for the very first time in my life, ( to avoid our water, gas to electric bills to be disconnected) ; 2 refused and told me to not call them; one gave $200 but insisted i know they won't be able to help further, and insisted i gave them the copy of the bill so they can pay online. I felt like i was treated like a beggar. Like they lost respect on me. I thanked her for giving us the money, and paid her when my husband came back; I was thankful that they helped, they had no obligation to help me. I get it. That was the only time in my life that i had ever asked family members for money, and i did so because i felt financially blindsided, and desperate. After the comments they made, i felt so low and lost. I swear i will never ever ask anyone for money as long as i breathe. I will sell the house and move in to a small apartment, or work 2 jobs if i have to. Money is one part i'm concerned about, but there is also the emotional, physical, mental fear to do it alone.

Most of our friends, and relatives (his side) whom we used to be very close to, stopped checking on me and the kids when my husband was out and lost his job. They are afraid we are going to end up being a "burden". Now he's back, they want to get together and offer to babysit our kids again so we could go on dates. I guess it's just human nature, but it makes feel sad inside.

What do you guys think about this whole thing. I know I can't make decisions based on what people say on the internet, but if you have any perspectives or insights, please Kindly share.

Thank you.

PS. I was tested for STDs, hepatitis, HIV etc... after I found out about the affair, and I'm thankful I'm clear.It is so painful to write this, but I have to let it out of my chest for other human beings to read. Only I have to share it with people who don't know me, hence that's why I'm writing here. I'm not asking for sympathy or judgement, just please read. It is very long, but I will start with what happened before I found out about the affair, and then finish off after I found out about it.