He came back because a week before i saw my lawyer, i sent him an email between the lawyer and me scheduling an appointment to file for the divorce based on abuse, abandonment and infidelity. Then after the email, i cut off all communication with him, did not reply his text, and emails and phone calls...for 7 days and that's why he finally panicked.
The night before my appointment with the lawyer, he asked to talk. Then he came back in the basement and went back to meetings etc...
I still filled out the paperwork for the divorce, but then told the lawyer to hold off.
Right now, he seems like he changed but i don't know if he means it for good or not. He still is in a lot of pain, is depressed and has bouts of anxiety; but he no longer takes any painkillers, and meditates more.
Sometimes it hurts to see him lay in bed in fetal position because the pain still gets to him, and gets sweaty and shaky. He knows he has to endure the pain without the painkiller.
He is also more involved in our kids lives, and helps around the house.
I can see he is trying, but sometimes i wonder, why did he come back.
If he did love me, why did he cheat on me, lie to me and abandoned me and our little children? Why did he attack me when i just wanted the best for him. I got the help from authorities, not just for me and the kids; but also for him, because as the father of my children, i have investment in him. He had to go around and hurt me really bad, made me look like i was a *%**# trying to just put him in jail and psych ward. He kept telling my family that i was the one who made me go away. He knew he was lying, because as he was saying those words, he was using drugs and sleeping with another woman. He was so selfish to even man up and own why he left. He falsely blamed me and put the guilt on me. It made me feel worse than i did already. He said those words, while he knew i was home, alone, by myself, with our 3 little kids. This is what hurts me the most, not only as his wife, but as the mother of his children.
I know i can't play victim, and have self-pity but right now, i do feel very lost and hurt.