Weaning off
Forgive me... I had planned to write a few sentences but seem to have rambled on. ...
It has been 18 hours since my last drink. I've been drinking for every single day (minus 3 days post gallbladder surgery) for 4 years straight. I had been sober for a year prior but was drinking a lot for the year before that. For me, it has been a way to numb my emotions. Of course some days it just magnifies them too. Last night I was acutely aware of how sad I felt. But it was a quiet sadness, one that I hope I can learn to live with. To truly LIVE with.
For me, it started with marriage falling apart. It's the old story of spouse has affair and so she falls apart. I know, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. I felt like I started to get a handle on that when sadly my youngest daughter died unexpectedly within 24 hours from some unknown virus. She was just shy of turning 4 and was gone with the blink of an eye. I know that a lot of my sadness is not only losing her but trying to live life without that family unit. I just don't know who I am anymore and I know I am failing my other 2 children miserably.
Having had a stomach bug yesterday made it much easier for me to not drink. As much as I would love to just keep going, I am terrified of all the side effects. I have heard and read and been told by my doctor that quitting cold turkey is absolutely not safe. To put things into context, i have been having an average of half a bottle of vodka or whisky every night. Sometimes more, occasionally a little less. I have unfortunately forgotten how to live and cope and be without it.
I'm actually paranoid about taking medications (fear and panic attacks) so going to a detox place is out of the question. I have been telling myself that I will wean myself off (which the doctor said would be ok) but as I'm sure many of you know, after a few drinks, logic and will power go out the window. I know that for me, once I start, I don't stop until I collapse into bed. I tell myself not to have a drink the second I get home but routinely convince myself as I walk in the house that today will be different. In that moment I am convinced that I can control it. Of course that doesn't work. I know that keeping myself out and busy helps, so that I get home later and drink less. Sounds pathetic, I know.
I will once again try. This time I will try harder. Perhaps I will post often to hold myself accountable and to seek motivation. I am tired of this cycle and tired of being consumed by it every moment of every day. Has anyone else weaned themselves off of alcohol? I'll take any advice and any motivation I can get.