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Old 03-28-2003, 11:25 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
EmotionalMeg
Learning to love life...
 
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Jake,
I can very much relate to your story... My husband is an alcoholic, and I used to do and feel the same as you. I would poor beers down the sink, I would hide the booze, hide his keys, and do anything possible to STOP him from drinking... I even used to not come home to the kids / family just so that he would be stuck at home and NOT be able to use. And in the morning (or whenever the "sober" time would be), I would yell and scream and cry to him, because it was after all HIS fault that MY life was so out of control; and how could he be so selfish?!!!
But that is not reality; that is not the truth. The truth is that I was losing myself in this obsession over alcohol. My life revolved around when / where / how and why he was drinking... and of course around what I could do to get him to stop. My behaviors were insane, and my life was totally unmanageable - but it wasn't HIS fault, it was mine. Just as the alcoholic CHOOSES to pick up the bottle, we CHOOSE to react.
And Alanon? it changed my life as well... I went thinking that it was one more thing I could do to HELP him to stop... but ended up helping myself. I found this person who was buried under the weight of the disease, and soon realized that I was wasting my life. I deserve to be happy, even if my A is not... There are many many many things that I can do that have NOTHING to do with my A, and that ultimately embrace and enhance the wonderful person that I am. And just speaking from personal experience, once you get a taste of that powerful self-love and discovery, you NEVER go back.
There IS a way to live through this. Go to Alanon... and if you don't like it the first time, go again and again... go to different meetings... go until you simply cannot walk away from your OWN recovery, and then enjoy your new life. Eventually you will be able to sleep peacefully; and that monster passed out on your couch? Eventually you will be able to look at her without seeing red - perhaps you'll even be able to give her gentle kiss on the cheek just because you appreciate having someone special to share your life with.
I'm glad you found us - keep coming back!
Meg
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