He wants to do couples therapy but also says he is going to drink the way he drinks and he is not going to change. He says that we should just accommodate each other's failings (like he accommodates my moodiness). Also says his drinking is not so bad.
Moodiness is something that everyone experiences from time to time, and in any normal relationship, both partners should expect that the other person might sometimes be moody. Furthermore, living with an active addict is going to give you a very good reason to feel moody. Addiction is unpredictable and dangerous... it is detrimental to the physical, emotional, and financial health of the couple. I would actually expect you to be more than a little moody. I would expect you to be really unhappy. In contrast to this "moodiness", his alcoholism is not a behavior that anyone should expect as part of a normal relationship.
But you knew that already. Maybe he doesn't "know" this. You can just print what I said on a little note card and hand it to him. Kidding. Don't do it. He might google it, find this forum, and stalk you.
I just don't see the point of therapy if his position is "I'm going to drink" and my position is "I can't live with the alcohol".
You are right. It is pointless. I don't see the point of it either.
I have complex PTSD from relationships therapy with an active addict. I had counseling with them for a number of years and during the sessions, they gas-lit both me and the counselor... . My stbxAH was, I thought, my soulmate. I also used to think that we had a pretty good relationship "except for his addiction". Wrong. He was a liar. He lied his way through the entire relationship. I found out the hard way.
Here's why I'm so against relationships counseling with an active addict: In my experience, he will use the sessions to manipulate and control you. If he's not going to stop drinking, and you left because of that and only because of that, the only reason he wants the sessions is not to fix what went wrong, but to have access to you to change your boundaries or erode your values. I know that sounds harsh. I'm super harsh on SR these days for personal reasons I don't want to get into here (will take too much time)... but from my experience, relationships therapy with an active addict who is not in recovery and has not been in recovery for at least a period of 12 months is totally pointless. You will go into the sessions as an honest person, and you will tell the truth. Meanwhile, he will sit there and most likely lie. He might make promises or even shed tears. The counselor might believe him (if the counselor doesn't understand how addicts work). Then you both leave with two different things on your mind -- you will be taking the information revealed and thinking about how to compromise to make the relationship work. He will take the information revealed and think about how to get you to compromise while he figures out how he can hide parts of or all of his questionable behavior. In my case, it led to him thinking he could cheat on me with a human instead of just cheating on me with drugs... (because he was already telling so many lies anyway).
I think I'm just looking for a reality check.
Trust yourself. TRUST YOURSELF.
And... has anyone successfully reunited with an alcoholic spouse?
No idea.
How?
Why?
In some cases it can take up to 9 attempts at sobriety for sobriety to stick. It can take up to 10 years to change the behaviors that led to the addiction. I guess you need to ask yourself if you want to invest that much time with someone who has behaviors that are destructive.
There is no right or wrong answer -- stay/go, reunite... .
Just bear in mind that if you are 30 now, and your husband is really serious about changing RIGHT NOW and he sticks with it (and you), you might be living your best life together when you are 40. But that means he'll only start living at 40 (and maybe you too) because addiction is like running in place instead of journeying to get to your destination. I know this because I am living this now. I've only started trying to figure out my life.
Addiction is progressive if the addict does not stop and change. By progressive I mean that not only does the dependence on the DOC increase, but the behaviors that come with the "disease" get worse. These behaviors might progress from lying to cheating, from borrowing to stealing, from shouting to shouting abuse, from breaking things by accident to breaking things on purpose... etc. I watched someone who I felt was a gentle person turn into a monster. I don't believe that I will ever get that gentle person back and am skeptical that that was who he really ever was.
Just some things to think about. Trust yourself.