Hello Spintires
I have felt like you at many times during my life. I wasn't feeling suicidal to get my dad to change, I just wanted to escape the pain.
I am 58 years old now, and sober for over 4 years. My Dad has been dead for many years. I no longer have any thoughts of suicide. HOWEVER,
I have to guard against more subtle ideas that can creep in. I have to guard against making life decisions based on fear and dread.
Decisions based on maintaining tranquility are okay. If this means avoiding certain people, I do it.
I am glad you didn't follow through on the suicide. That would have been a huge tragedy, and a loss for us.