Old 05-01-2018, 03:06 PM
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blueberry2015
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
Why I can never drink again....and why I am more than ok with that.

Back in June 2015 my drinking was at its worst it had ever been. I was drinking a lot. I’d experience black outs, put myself in some very dangerous situations. I had lost all control, of my mind and my body.

I’d wake up each morning, shaking, dry heaving and sweating not knowing what I know now that I was in withdrawal. I couldnt eat, as any food I tried to eat came straight back up again, I desperately didnt want to drink again but the only thing which made me feel better was another drink and so that cycle continued all over again.

I lost control. My drinking scared me, as I didnt know how much or when it would take me to either pass out, or become uncontrollable in my actions, or my words. Sometimes i’d become violent. I didnt care for my family and I didnt care for myself.

My mental health was at and all time low, I tried to kill myself and I also self harmed. I was very very ill.

One night, after having been drinking around the clock, I hadnt passed out and I was screaming to my long suffering husband that I wanted more “get me more” and he burst into tears said I was killing myself. Something just switched in side me and I said “im going to stop” and I meant it. I also had a moment of clarity that I also needed help. I couldnt just stop on my own.

The next day, I went to my doctor fuelled on two bottles of wine and I said to her I think im dependent on alcohol and I want to stop. I was a mess. We agreed a home detox and she gave me some medication to help with the withdrawal. The first two days were just awful, the medication helped to some degree but I have never felt so ill in my entire life. I was in bed for the first three days. I was so f-ing scared, back then I couldnt imagine what a life without alcohol would be like. How was I going to cope with the kids, how was I going to cope with stress, how was I going to cope with christmas and birthdays sober??? It seemed impossible.

I got myself to an AA meeting as soon as I felt well enough to do so, I was nine days sober. Initially I was put off by the use of the word GOD, but I do remember hearing people tellimg their stories and they had, had it worse than me, they were homeless, been to prison and some drank way more than I did and each and everyone one of those people were sober, turned their life around and were doing ok. It gave me hope, and inspiration. If those guys could do it, so could I.

Three months in, and I slipped. I fell for that silly head which told me, you cant be powerless over alcohol, you havent had a drink for three months, i’ll be ok. I’ll just have the couple of glasses occassionally. Day one I set my intention of having half a bottle of wine, day two I set my intention of having just one bottle and ended up as two and sooo the cycle started again. I was “back out” drinking for two weeks, then the shakes came back in, and on my 40th birthday I said to my husband, I actually felt a lot better not drinking at all, and that I was dragging my sorry backside back to AA. Ive not had a drink since.

I cant drink alcohol ever again, I now know I am powerless over alcohol and that one drink will lead me straight back to where I once was, I dont ever want to go back there and next time around it may just kill me.

Today, my mental health is omg..... so so so much better. I feel alive. And I am grateful to be alive. I am quite happy to be in control of myself, my actions and my words. I dont wake up of a morning feeling awful. I have a clear recollection of the night before, I dont carry guilt and shame with me anymore. I am available if anyone needs me. I can drive whereever I want and not worry about being pulled over. I havent self harmed in a long time and I definately do not want to kill myself. If I could describe the word Freedom, this would be my personal defininition of freedom.

I can’t nor do I want to drink ever again. Im ok with that!

There has been times whereby life gets tough and dealing with life sober is bloody challenging, I will not lie to you there has been quite a few occassions where the thought of drinking has been on me, but my will to live is stronger than my will to die. On days like that, I tell myself not to drink for today and I have never ever woken up of a mornimg wishing I had a drink the night before. Ever.

This stuff is hard. But it is also so worth it. For me, I work the AA programme and it works, but there are other alternatives out there too. Do whatever it takes to keep you sober.

Im 2.5 years sober on the 17th May and that in itself is a bloody miracle. Never would I ever of thought I could go that long without a drink, but hear I am. I cannot go back. Whilst it’s challenging at times its not as near as bad as it was back then. I remind myself of that.

Thats my story x I hope it helps someone. Take one day at a time and you too can be free x x x
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