This may be getting too deep with the concept of "the beast"....but I was wondering if anyone think the beast works subconsciously in our dreams.
This deviates quite a bit from the traditional concept of how the beast works, but for me I have found that as opposed to having a lot of outright thoughts about how a drink would be nice - my beast works in a way where it fills my head with other thoughts that eventually wear me down to a place where I feel so angry or depressed that I get a case of the "f*ck its". That is how I have had to identify the beast in my life, because whenever I am asked to answer to "What happened?" after a relapse following a few months of sobriety, my answer tends to be "I don't know, I had no urges and then bam, one day I said f*ck it and went to the liquor store". This answer never seemed sufficient to me and it took me a few months to realize what was really going on: The beast, in my life, replays past events over and over again in my mind to the point where I get so angry and feel life is so unfair, that I become very susceptible to a "f*ck it" thought (as I like to call them). This has been my pattern of relapsing every time after about 3-4 months of being sober. No urges, nothing....just lots of angry and saddening thoughts for months and then one single idea to drink which is usually acted upon.
OK, if you have made it that far through my psychobabble above, let me say that since I have identified this issue I have been using a little bit of SMART recovery's concepts in disputing the major incorrect/irrational belief that underlies all of these recurring thoughts which is "Life owes me more than what I have gotten". I have been pretty successful at handling these repetitive thoughts (which in essence has decreased their occurence) and have been feeling much happier in the past month or two because of it. However in the past 2 weeks, I keep having dreams about these past events (and really, they are nothing horrific or anything - just rejection type issues with my dad, mom, etc...but they are weird for my age since I am in my 30s and married with 2 small kids) so that when I wake up I feel like crying and it really seems to be effecting my thinking again. I can't control my dreams very much, and I am wondering if anyone out there feels the beast could be sneaky enough to be getting to me through my dreams now? When I have one of these dreams, it is much harder to shake of the "poor me" mentality....which eventually leads me to a drink. It worries me. Is this the beast?