Writing out the other day that I've never met my authentic self filled me with the most profound sadness, it made me cry. But it was a pivotal moment for me and afterward, I decided to turn that upside down and let myself get excited because now I get to find out. What happened within my family was wrong, they should not have been encouraging me to use drugs/ alcohol and they certainly should not have been providing them for me, but it's not a life sentence and I can stop living down to that the moment I decide to. Which happened when I made my BP to quit drinking. Forever. It will be a cold day in hell before I let my AV talk me into that again. The doubt and worrying are AV and just a bad habit of being too hard on myself. I've been making a conscious effort to monitor my thoughts about more than spotting AV over the use of alcohol, also to spot negative self talk. I've also decided to shift my focus onto where I want to go from here? What do I want for myself now? What do I value? What do I believe? If this is meeting my authentic self for the first time since I was 14 then who do I want her to be?
